Seeking My Own God

May 15, 2013

I do believe in God. This world is too beautiful to have happened by accident out of nowhere. And I have been a catholic all my life having quarrels here and there with God and so far, I realize that I have encountered two faces of God.

The first was  the God of  the bible that I was taught to fear and to worship without questioning or else he will send me to hell. This God sounded like the stereotype hot-tempered dad who would have people eat in stifling silence around the dinner table. I didn’t like this God. I don’t care if he promised heaven- I just didn’t want to be where he was!


Then there is another God I found when I  asked questions like “Is God really fair?”. This God speaks to me gently; even when he gives me hard truth, he tells it to me firmly- not harshly. I like this God and he made me realize how much I love the world he made and the people around it  (even though some are plain mad!) This God teaches me that there is  good in everything and that if there is a heaven, its here on this earth, right this moment and when people who love and care for each other and the world around them.

I don’t need to fear this God- at least not on a threatened level. I don’t blame natural disasters on my one night stand. I don’t think that I got a D because I did not go to church every Sunday. I know shit happens cuz there is a price to pay for some things- which I do anyway and pay the price- and for the shit that’s plain unreasonable, I can fight and say no and make a change. And if I can’t fight, there is a lesson to be learnt that I will remember someday.

I quit going to church some months ago. And when I go, it is to sing to my God because I love to sing and cuz there are things he does that make me happy. I don’t really listen to the word anymore . I am letting go of  many bible beliefs save those of Jesus- cuz I respect his way of life and cuz he wasn’t a sissy when faced with the religious fanatics of his time.

Being open to the many ways of being good without a particular religion. Now this is what I call born afresh. 🙂

Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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