This has happened before, it always does. The feeling of always being tired even when I have had my sleep and I have not done much to strain me. Fatigue and depression go hand I hand but when it comes to the simplest of things becoming major tasks, I can’t help but scream ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! There is an awesome life to be lived and an awesome world to see out there!

I can’t afford to be lazy or too unmotivated to do things I really want to do. I want to do stuff! I want to care for animals, teach kids somewhere, visit a refugee camp or go on a road trip somewhere but all of it sounds like a lot of work that isn’t really worth it.

How many things have I wanted and not gotten them? Why should I want anymore if I keep not getting? Then again, how many things have I wanted and actually got them? I wanted to come to campus, to Kenyatta University, to write and study film- something I have never done in my life. And here I am! One huge dream came true so I cannot refute that some things I wanted very bad actually happened.

I am lazy then. Or going back to my self-destructive ways- listening to that one voice.

I have two voices in my head. One tells me to do whatever I feel like doing. Sleep; take a pill if I must but just drop into that awesome state of oblivion. It tells me to lay curled up in bed when I do not feel like I have the energy to go outside for some sun. It tells me it is okay to not move- to be stagnant. That is what my body feels- fatigue and a need to just sit or lie all day.

The second voice tells me to get up in the morning. It shows me the things I want done-things that make me happy. When sleep won’t come, it scoffs at pills and tells me to burn incense instead. And even when I feel I can’t, it nudges my legs to take a slow walk in the sun instead of laying in bed curled.

I listen to the first voice so often that my body is tuned to it by default. My body wants to sit and lounge. My spirit wants to explore and discover. I wanted to see my sister today but my body wanted to make up an excuse and just stay indoors, watch a movie, work on something or maybe sleep. I think I am tired of sitting around and so I forced myself to come and see my sister and my brother in law.

And it feels great visiting!

Then the moment I came, I wanted to go to bed and sleep. However, I got them watching SKYFALL, it got my attention, and sleep went away.   In the evening, I wanted to go sleep again, even without eating but of course, my sister would have none of it.  I ended up finishing a meal and watching another fabulous movie! And it feels really good inside. I think it helps having people around to motivate me to do stuff instead of isolating myself like I like doing.

My body screams that its tired and I know I should listen to it, but I think I should also listen to the voice of my spirit. If I shall drop down with fatigue, let it be so when I have walked miles, climbed a mountain, and seen the magnificent view from there. I will not lie in bed and wait for fatigue to kill my willpower and everything else after that.

My cure for insomnia has come with the evening exercise I do with my pals. Now I need a cure for fatigue and this unmotivated feeling. Nevertheless, until I find that cure, I plan to listen to my second voice. I will do the things I want to do even if I may not feel like doing them. Feelings are fleeting, but when I do the things I want to do, the feeling is immortal. It feels great again and again and again.

Therefore, I will stay around people more that by myself, and visit pals I have always promised to visit, and burn incense instead of popping a sleeping pill. I will do what I want, not what I feel like doing.  Body vs. spirit.


Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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