My sister once told me that I run away from my problems- rather than solve them. We were arguing about why I don’t stay where my mother stays. I stay at my aunts and uncles-or on my own, when in campus. And I am happy about that! I do not miss home. Really. Is that possible? Yes!

It is possible for a daughter to get tired of trying to solve the problem between her mother and herself. It is possible to leave home and never miss it. I don’t. It is possible to not want to be close to your mother anymore- whether she changes or not.

It’s not giving up on my mother nor is it disloyal. It’s merely accepting that this mother-daughter relationship cannot be as wholesome as it “should” be.

Refusing that I should bear pain brought by a parent even though she brought me up singlehandedly, fed me, clothed me, cried for me- and would die for me. I don’t believe any parent- no matter how awesome or how many sacrifices she’s made has any right to hurt her children and have them “understand” merely because she is the parent. I do not believe that.

And so, even though we are no longer clawing at each other, I will never stay at home – at least not while I can help it.

And no, I am not really happy with the status of this dysfunctional relationship between my mother and I. All I know is that I am at peace away from her and that we get along much better when we are far apart.

I am never going to force myself to stay with my mother to “patch “things up. Actually, it’s not about patching things up- and I don’t know what it’s about but I am not curious enough to find out. All I know is that some adults carry baggage from their past and dump it on their children- and no explanation can make it easier.

I plan to undergo therapy cuz I don’t want to treat my kids or nieces and nephews like crap just cuz I went through some shit in my time. I will take care of my own baggage.

For now, space is all I need. Go home for a week, stay away for year or so etc. That’s as close as we will get. If society thinks that’s not the right way to deal with things, that’s their problem.

I deal with my issues how I see fit. If someone thinks I will give up my peace just to have a model mother-daughter relationship, they are dead wrong.


Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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