I always thought I was blue;
All shades of the hue
Depending on the mood
From sky to navy-
I always thought
I was blue

I am black

Not gray
Not silver
No shades in between

Just black

A dot on a huge white canvas
Content to laugh when in company
And still smile to myself
When alone

I am not content
To think what the world thinks
To grow up
And go to school
Get a degree
A lover
And marriage and babies
Live in a nice huge house
And be a god mother
And wife

Some of us were not born that way

I want different things
I want to travel the world
And make my own memories
Write my own story
Even alone

It’s not normal
I am told
To not want children
To not want to be a wife
And a mother

You will change
They tell me
You will get a man
Who will make you think
Of babies
And white wedding gowns
And a nice huge house
To come back to
Each day

I always smile
And indulge people
Who think they know me
More than I do
More than I know
My treacherous heart

I am not normal
Let’s be real
I just aint normal

I don’t want kids
The kids I envision
Are my nieces and nephews
And I love it that
I have
Sisters and cousins
Who want kids

That way
Even if they aint my own
I get young ones
To spoil
And laugh with
And remind me to be young at heart
When I grow old

I never dream of weddings
And bridesmaids
And that perfect man
At the end of the aisle

I picture friends getting married
And I enjoying the cake
And avoiding the bride’s bouquet
At all costs

I am not normal

I will not be content
With a good husband
And a bunch of kids
And a nice big house

I will not be content
To bring forth a life
Before I’ve had a chance
To do all the things
I have ever wanted to do
With mine

I don’t believe in the length of life enough
To defer my dreams

I have danced too close
To death
To not take
What I can
From this my life

And so
If being a spinster
Means coming and going
As I please
Moving to wherever I feel like
Sitting alone
On a balcony
Or taking photos
Or writing
Or reminiscing
And missing people badly
And looking forward
To my nieces and nephews visiting

And being a wife means
Being there always
To wash and cook
And look after my kids
And my husband
And not be able to move
Because it’s best for everyone else;
I would rather be a spinster

I will never be content
To only dream
And smile plastic
And say I have all I want

I am not normal
I have my own version
Of fulfillment
And it does not augur
With the world’s view

Just like I found out
I am black
And not blue
I quit trying to be normal


Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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