September 18, 2016

Sometimes I deliberately sabotage myself when I know deep down that I  do not want something. There’s a time I wasn’t exactly suicidal but I wasn’t high on life either; and each bus I would go into, travelling over long distances, I would not put on my seat belt. I would consciously remember that it is advisable to put it on but I would choose against that recommendation. Once in a matatu heading home, we almost had an accident and remember not being scared at all. Things happen in slow motion during such moments and yet at no time did fear cross my mind; not even that last prayer to a god I do not believe in. The only thought that occurred was “So this is it?”

But nothing happened and in a weird way, while others in the matatu spoke Jesus name with a reverential sigh and thanked god for the save, I was somewhat disappointed. And then immediately felt guilty for wishing my fate on others who did not have death wishes.

Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura


  • depressionistheenemy September 18, 2016

    While I have (thankfully) never faced a life or death situation, I do sometimes imagine my response would be similar to yours. It’s why I am working hard to improve my quality of life. Now and then, on good days, I actually genuinely appreciate being alive – I still have a long way to go however.

    Thank you for writing this!

    • hellenmasido September 19, 2016

      Same here! When I love life, I do so with loud laughs; but when I hate life it’s the total opposite of my ecstatic self. I’m accepting this duality while trying to make the loud laughs last longer, and be more frequent too.

      All the best in your journey! Cheers😊😊😊 And thanks too

  • Leave a Reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: