Journal 26th March 2019

June 10, 2019

The bad thing about depression episodes is that no matter how long they stay away, they will come back again and again. In the same beat, your heart will suddenly feel so heavy it could sink you whole, and yet so light your chest would ache with the hollowness; and you will never get used to the feeling.

You can only hope that the spaces in between stretch far, and that they are are filled edge to edge with genuine happiness and a tangible sense of fulfillment you cannot forget.

The good thing about knowing they will return is that you become adept at recognizing the faces your demons wear. You, a child of the night will feel the shift, when night suddenly becomes unbearably long and full of sighs.  You will know to send yourself on longer nocturnal quests if only to exhaust the body and mind into switching off.

Mornings will probably become noons and you should know then, to ease the hold on your reigns. With your demons on your back, disapprovals of self are not burdens you should bear as well. Shed them all.

Shut down whatever you can, the way your body knows to do when it’s facing death. Because you are, deep within these tunnels.

While the trains keep coming through, chugging frighteningly loud, and grinding on the tracks between which you lie supine, you may as well be still rather than fidget. If you should choose to not crane your neck into certain death, you might as well be still.

And when a train comes about, heading to a place you’d be alive a day longer just to see it, then you will know it’s time.

The good thing about the episodes is that even in the dark, you now know what footholds will get you back on board. You know too that happier times wait ahead.

And that you will be fine.


Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura