What does it matter when you can’t sleep anyways? Might as well have some black lemon tea at 3 am.
You’ve had nights like this before; more in number and darker in comparison. So that even so, sanity tonight was easier to grasp and you still found yourself counting the seemingly few things you’re happy about and thankful for. You thought about crying and whether that would make you feel better- and you did shed a few slow tears- but then stopped. It was not crying you needed.
In all truth, you do not feel as hollow as you used to on such nights, a year and more back. Nowadays it’s like you know there is a solution to everything that currently plagues you; and it is only time that has yet to make you wiser. And the awareness of this makes all the difference between momentary frustration and utter despair.
I wonder infact , when you read this in a year or so, whether you’ll even remember what plagues me now. The thing itself you might, the actual feeling you won’t, and I am glad for it. I am glad too that you will never laugh at my worries when you’re wiser, or call them ridiculous trifles, or think me over dramatic. I know because of this:
I read some of my past journals while in Ngong- journals of me pining over having a place of my own- and how that thought, all consuming for so many years, was the cause of so much heartache! And how gratifying it was, to read of such while under my own roof, in a place that gave me such peace and happiness, at a time when I had no worry for rent.
And I felt only kindness for myself.
If ever you read this while in despair, I hope you remember that a lot of your dreams have indeed come true. That you have been hella lucky but that you’ve also achieved a lot through your inner strength and grit- or as Huck Finn would say “You’s just full of sand!”
Your dreams get bigger and so do the difficulties but you’ll be fine, really. I read this today :
Before the waking up, and the tea, and the wild-eyed Sakura making a racket on the curtain next to you while you typed this out, you had asked yourself this question: “Do you feel like a failure?” and there had been no hesitation in answering No.
I hope you never hesitate.