I shy away from dreaming
I don’t want many things anymore

I am losing my fire for life

The list I made
Of fun things to do
With this one life-
It makes little sense
To me

Bungee jumping
Dancing at Rio’s carnival
Walking along the great wall
Of china

All of it sounds
Like so much work

If I could
If my mind and heart would let me
I would sit
Or lay curled
In bed
On my pillows
Sleep when I can

Stare at the ceiling
Lay on the cool floor
Or sit outside
And stare at the trees
And the sun on the leaves
I am losing my fire for life

I don’t want to dream anymore
I just want to get through today

Just this one day
I don’t want much

Many things I wanted in the past
Have been dangled
Close enough
For me to ogle
But too far to touch

I tire of fighting
To get that which
My heart desires

And so
To stop the disappointment
I taught my heart
To not want  much

And it keeps disappointments
At bay

The heartaches
Of not getting
They went away
But so did the  pleasure
The adrenalin rush
Of suspense

Of looking forward
To what might be-
It went away too

And I realize now
What it is to be human

That to switch off the pain
Means to switch off
Everything else

To be numb
Is the black pearl’s curse

This numb shell
May shield me
From pain
From feeling
From crying
And my heart from breaking
But so am I shielded
From laughing out loud
And my heart
From dancing wild

I cannot feel the blood
In my veins
And my heart beats slow

Can I really live like this?
Wanting life less
Each day
Loving no more
That which
Made me jump out of bed
With a smile on my face
And a tingling on my fingertips

I don’t know

My hand hovers over the switch
Wanting to switch it on
To feel it all

Hysterical joy
The feelings I have locked away

But I hesitate
And  take my hand back

Not yet

Maybe tomorrow
When I  wake up
Or the day after
Or next week
I don’t know

Just not yet…

(written on November 28th 2012)


Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura