I am on episode 4 of 13 Reasons Why. I cannot ingest more than two episodes in one sitting for obvious reasons. And even during the two episodes I watch , I pause sometimes. To think, about the male gaze for example or to imagine how it feels to be objectified as a woman- something I have felt many times before and the reason I think part of me hates men until proven un-average.
Most times when I pause the series, I call someone. A friend, my favorite cousin, my mother…the latter to truly say hi and find out what’s happening in her remote corner of Taita; the former two to insult and remind them I exist to leech off of their new salaries or have them make involuntary food promises to me. And when it’s clear I called simply to say hi because I didn’t ask anything more, they annoyingly go “Awwwww” and make kissy sounds that make me gag, call them stupid and then hang up laughing.
Then I press play.
I thought of suicide about one week ago. Two days later, after binge watching Sense8, I was reminded once again I am in control of my life and how it pans out no matter what life throws at me. Watching 13 Reasons Why reminds me of dark places I have been to. Places I may end up in again, if I bend to the world and stop playing by my own rules. And I randomly call in the middle of it mostly because I feel it’s important to show it there and then. A reminder of Love or something like that. I really don’t know how to tell people I love them. (YUCK!) I’m not one to proclaim mushy feelings; if you don’t feel it in my hug, that’s too bad.
The people around me have to know deep within themselves that I love them because if they ever bring it up I will call them stupid and DENY! It’s just how I am. I don’t really know why.
Deep down though, I think I truly call the exact moment I do, as an apology for the future.
As a person who has been and still is somewhat suicidal, I would understand why a friend chose suicide. I really would. I however, cannot imagine being in the shoes of a person that imagines if they had been more loving, more caring, something more than they could have been; that it wouldn’t have happened.
My suicide will not be because of people.
It will be because of the world and the nature of life; the things one cannot change. No one will be responsible for my suicide, I’d really like for people to know that. And each day I live is because the people around me make my life less shitty and I am forever thankful for that.
After last year’s June scare, I told myself I will take it only one year at a time because the thought of ten or even five was just overwhelming and took me back to the beginning.
Not to worry though, my suicide clock is not set any time before Black Panther comes out in 2018. (Yes, I peg my life on the possibility of awesome stories- bite me!)
So here’s to a dose of hope and enough madness to take me through this year and the start of next. Who’s to say what crazy doses of hope lie in tomorrow or in the very next minute? I might even get to thirty!
P.S: I swear if anyone calls me after this just to ask if I am okey, I will kill them myself. You have been warned.