December 15, 2012

There was a time I went for a year or two without speaking to God. Not asking for a thing, not going to church, not praying…nothing. I was angry with him for many reasons- some of which I do not recall.

That was the time I bullshitted the stuff about how to be a good Christian and how I will go to hell if I did not do this and that. I felt God was unfair. He had pushed me too far and every time some Christians told me that God could not give us what we cannot handle, I thought, “What crap!”

I read the book of Job (there was a time I really did read the bibleJ) and it made me angrier with God. Why should he make us suffer when the devil calls his bluff? Why would he torture Job just to prove a point to the devil? He tests us and all for what? He is all-knowing! He must know that we are faithful to him without torturing us!

Therefore, I was angry- and the bible was making me angrier- and the Christians quoting “inspirational” things that I thought were bullshit.

God cannot give us what we cannot handle? He very well can! We are human and have a breaking point. When he does not stop, we break. Job broke. Many people who commit suicide broke.  I would have broken too if he had pushed me further rather than give me the alternative I was given.

Since then, I do not believe that God wants us to be passive beings; to take all trouble that comes passively and say it is all for his grace.  God wants us to change things. To seek alternatives that are always there for us to seek.

And in many senses, this knowledge freed me from the hopelessness I was wallowing in and blaming God for everything he put me through. I still fight with God, but very rarely. Just as I learned it was futile to complain, I learnt that if I was discontent with a situation, I must change it in whatever way I see fit to.  And in situations I really can’t help, I can choose what to feel- be negative and depress myself, or make the best of it and turn pain into honey.

Either way, I learnt to look at life and its problems with a more open mind. I seek my answers from everywhere. I do not listen to Christians who preach to me. I read the bible some, and agree with what feels right in my soul.  If there is freewill, then this is it. To read of Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and other world religions, and take a leaf from each. To practice that which feels right in your own soul- not what people tell you you should feel.

Freewill is your very own truth.

Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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