I don’t want to live forever. Infact, I  don’t want to live at all. I don’t like living. Its not being suicidal or anything, I just really don’t like living. It too much work and I have to make do with the things handed to me rather than the things I actually want. I find that I happened to find myself here, living a certain kind of life, and there are many beautiful things about life but still, life is not something I count as a gift.

For this reason, my faith in a religion I have been brought up to believe in also crumbles. The fact that I am on earth for a few years makes eternity so overwhelming for me! I don’t want to live forever. Yes I am a Christian and taught to believe in heaven and hell and to do good so that I avoid hell and go to heaven to live forever. But I don’t want to live forever. I ceased believing in hell, and heaven holds no glamour for me. It’s not a place I’d want to live- least of all FOREVER!

Is it possible for a soul to go extinct? I don’t want to live forever. I just want to die and die. Not kind of alive, enclosed in a shell somewhere and feeling nothing. Extinction – not existing at all. The way there are things that don’t exist. Is there a way I can go back there?

Most people will label me thankless and say that life is a gift. But the thing is, did I ask for it? Can I say yes or no to the gifts offered to me or must I accept everything given to me? Why do I have to find myself here, not knowing what I am here for, not wanting to be here, but still have to toil and cry and suffer for a life I didn’t ask for- then die and live again in a place I don’t want?

When does it matter what I want?

So I asked the voice inside me that seems to know all- is it possible to just go extinct? – For my soul to go back to a time I didn’t exist and just stay there? The voice tells me no.

When the fuck does it matter what I want? Nkt!


Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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