February 25, 2015

It’s been long since I thought of suicide, but after writing the above poem about a week ago (Viners? Anyone?) I realized that while years ago I promised myself to see all there is to life instead of just quitting it, suicide, has all along been a kill switch of sorts for me.

True, I no longer think much upon it, but it does make my list of things to do when life becomes unbearable either from its constant never ending cycle of activity or from feelings I find futile. And in that list I have very many positive to do things before that radical step, but right at the bottom is suicide, because truthfully, there are things I still won’t stand just to have an existence.

To many people, living is a very natural thing, but to one having seriously considering suicide, it is not. You do not just live because you do; you must find good reason(s) to live. And I don’t mean a well-paying job, a great house, exotic vacations or a beautiful family. You must get down to why all these things are too important to not have or live to do.

For me, back then, it was a story I was writing and at the moment, my list goes from penning a number of works, to finding out show scary bungee jumping is and all the way to being part of the scientific breakthroughs that will see disease and other afflictions instantly treatable. Yes Elysium is a movie but a girl can dream!

And yet I sometimes wonder, when one has traveled to all the places they marked on their maps and met the sum of people to make life a fulfillment, what else is left? When one has done all they ever wanted to do and more, what’s next?

Journal: Oct.26.2020
Made of Sand
Not Dura, but Alaminadura

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